If you have a Facebook account you’ll know there’s a trend for putting #MeToo up on your timeline. That’s women stating that they are survivors of rape and/or sexual harassment. I haven’t done that.  Because I’m a little uncertain about it. Why?  Well, in this piece I’m going to order my thoughts over this whole Weinstein, British Parliament business, and the current media storm around these ghastly events, and men. Although, note I’m not going to make this piece too academic – this is just me, thinking about it.

First, do not monster Weinstein.  He is not a monster he is an ordinary man, albeit, yes, rich and powerful.  But, don’t make him out-of-the-ordinary.  Don’t say it was because he was bad. Don’t ‘other’ him. He is a man.  And there is a behaviour here that needs addressing, that has been allowed.  I’ve just been reading about Alex Gibney’s new documentary No Stone Unturned about a massacre in Northern Ireland and the excuse for it.  The argument given to him whilst making the documentary was that it was perpetuated by bad people, the rotten apples. No, says Gibney, that’s wrong, it’s the barrel that’s rotten, which then contaminates the apples. Yes, it’s the context we should examine. What is it that allows people like Weinstein to function as he did?  Because Weinstein, is, of course, so very unappealing.  I mean, look at him, he’s not pretty.  Just like Saville was always deeply creepy, so Weinstein is deeply unattractive.  And women in the industry had to tolerate and suck up (!) to that man – yeeurk.  Who knew?

Well, everyone it seems.  Because the idea of the casting couch goes way back.  And apparently, people knew. And were silent.

And for those of you over the pond, we have our own Weinstein situation, in the Houses of Parliament, no less!  With several Members of Parliament resigning or losing the Whip (that’s a Parliamentary term and not a sexual deviation!) because of their behaviour towards women. Well, what a surprise, because this type of scandal is always popping up. This is not new.

Because we have always known. We women, we know.  I have always known.  To be careful, more than anything.  Always, always careful.  Even now, being careful resonates throughout my entire behaviour.  And that’s not about the workplace – more about that in a minute.  No, this is about being on my own on the streets at night, and on public transport.  And let’s be clear I was/am careful about ordinary men, not the rich and powerful.

Three experiences made me this way.  One was when I was barely a teenager. I was cycling with a friend along some country lanes.  She got ahead of me, then another cyclist suddenly appeared. Once he was alongside he grabbed my breast, and knocked me off my bike.  Fortunately, I shouted for my friend and he must have taken fright as he cycled off.  That incident involved the police. Then there were two incidents on a train.  Do you remember those non-corridor carriages? Twice I got trapped on my own with a man; one I had to talk my way out of the situation and the second man having tried to chat me up, which I rejected, got off the train and followed me, and not in a nice way.  It was night-time, after a late shift – very scary.  And the result of those experiences, I am always careful. Even now.

But in the workplace, no.  I can’t recall any sexual harassment.  What I do remember, though, is bullying, which was ghastly, truly, as I don’t think I ever recovered from the first lot of bullying.  This involved a colleague and there was no way, no system to counter or acknowledge this.  I just endured it for the life of a 3-year project.  That was a man who bullied me, but the second lot of bullying was by a woman, who was awful.  Again we (because there were other people involved) had to endure it, because no-one would tackle this powerful woman.  In this instance, she was a well-known academic – and just untouchable.  I feel slightly sick as I write this as it made my working life a misery.  Consequently, from then on, I worked as a freelancer.  No one, I said to myself, will ever have that kind of power over me again.  So, short-term contracts suited me fine.  Although there’s the reason for my rather iffy pension situation!

So, no sexual harassment in the workplace, that I remember. But there is something I want to talk about.  It’s social kissing.  I don’t like it. I’m a hugger rather than a kisser.  And furthermore, I’m a bit spatially confused as I never know which side of my face to present.  Every single time a social kiss comes my way, I ever so slightly hesitate and it’s only because I’m saying to myself, now which side is it?  And I feel such an idiot because it’s a thing amongst the people I know. I mean, it’s sophisticated, innit!  Look, it’s just me.  I accept that.  But hang on.  Every now and then, someone (OK, a man) gives me a social kiss and I think, oh wow, no, really, I don’t want this.  I’m talking mainly about men I don’t know.  But you’re meant to just accept this because it’s in a social situation and you know, it’s just a friendly social kiss.  It’s the thing to do. No. Actually. Don’t do that.  Happened to me twice just recently. Did I say anything, nope. Maybe I should have – but see below.

There’s a women-only march in London in November to take back the streets at night.  I won’t go because it would be a little too much for me. Maybe, I should, but more about why I won’t in a minute.   I wish the women well, though, and hope it goes OK.  Because we should take back the streets at night for women, the statistics on rape are appalling – see here.

Yes, I shouldn’t feel fear.  I should feel safe. I shouldn’t worry about going around by myself at night. I shouldn’t feel anxious about walking along the secluded un-made up road near me. I won’t wear a short skirt here or there or at that time (‘cos I still wear these). I shouldn’t feel uncomfortable with a social kiss – how silly of me. I should put up the hashtag #MeToo and hold hands with those women.  My experiences are so minor – but they had an impact.

What a minute – this is putting it all on women.

Do read Zoe Williams piece on this. She makes the point that, all these denials coming from Parliament about the current furore, that it is a ‘witch-hunt’ and they (the MPs) are after all only human, the riposte should be – What?  You justify this fumbling, feeling-up harassment as normal and all it is, is your manly urges. Er no!   Men, you need to think about your behaviour. And. Understand what sex is.  Because, she argues, you know when someone wants to reciprocate, when someone wants you, is interested in you.  You don’t have to touch, or humiliate or ask your researcher to buy a sex toy or behave oddly.  You can just ask. And if it’s not reciprocated – then that’s the end of that transaction.  Why touch, why do the banter? Why make that remark? This is not to do with sex. Although it might be just a little exciting for you. But you know that this is harassment, you really do know what you’re doing. And it’s wrong. And it has to change.

So, for me, it’s up to men to change, and make the streets at night safe, and public transport safe and the Houses of Parliament safe.  And as well as men changing, the context has to change, so that no-one is silent when banter is exchanged, or you get the feeling that there is something going on, or there is constant ridicule in the workplace. And don’t forget bullying. And, as for us women putting up #MeToo on Facebook? I so admire them, but where is the meme for that change of male behaviour that needs addressing?  Maybe one exists – tell me, I’m interested. Because this is about the silence of men – who know and say nothing.  That has to stop.

Penny Kocher, 7th November 2017

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12 thoughts on “The silence around Weinstein et al – what to do?

  • November 7, 2017 at 4:16 pm

    Well said, Penny.

    • November 8, 2017 at 8:29 am

      Thanks, Margaret! It needed to be said, especially as there is a move to call this a ‘witch hunt’, or an overreaction, or ‘why now” or ‘shouldn’t women just deal with this’ and so on. You OK? We’re still recovering from the move – so glad we did it now rather than later.

  • November 7, 2017 at 5:44 pm

    I am your age and I think you’re correct My mother told me to “brush them off like flies”. Also, never to dress in low cut clothing or be alone with a man I did not trust. Now, I have learned in this modern age a woman has “rights”. She should just be able to say no, no matter the situation she finds or puts herself in. She should. But if no doesn’t work, a woman can find herself in a very unpleasant situation–not to mention time consuming if the law becomes involved. My old fashioned belief is still protect yourself and avoid risky situations–less heartache in the long run.

    • November 8, 2017 at 8:33 am

      Thanks so much for your comment. Yes, absolutely, be careful. Totally agree. However, I think powerful men (e.g. MPs) need to rethink their behaviour. It is not ‘being human’ to touch, lunge and/or make sexual remarks. It is actually unprofessional. And therefore it is not up to the woman – it really is for those men to change their ways.

  • November 8, 2017 at 12:14 pm

    A very powerful post, Penny.
    I think men need to think very seriously about their behaviour, in so many ways. As a mother of two sons, I have always felt that it was a vital aspect of my role to encourage them to reflect on what they said and how they behaved with regard to girls/women. We had many lively but worthwhile discussions over the dining table.
    Your thoughts about social kissing are very interesting, particularly in France for example, where social kissing is very much part of the culture.
    Thank you for such a thought provoking post.

    • November 9, 2017 at 8:27 am

      Hi June, and thanks for saying that. Yes, bringing young men up to respect and just treat women as equals is so important.

      The thing about being social kissing in France, actually I think that’s fine, because it is so ubiquitous. What I didn’t like about my last experience, a few weeks ago, which was in the UK, was that I didn’t know the man, never met him before, I truly felt, why are you kissing me? And I bl…y didn’t say anything!! Because I was in a group that did know him and they all accepted it. But I just felt that it wasn’t quite right and it made me feel uncomfortable. Always go with gut instincts I say. Furthermore, what’s wrong with offering a hand to shake? Bring back hand-shaking is my stance!

  • November 10, 2017 at 7:45 am

    A very interesting read and lots I agree with. I had some workplace bullying from a woman. Went on a long time. Now I’m retired so all done with. I’m left handed and the cheek kissing confuses me. I lean to air kiss the wrong side of people’s faces I think. Yes bring back hand shakes and leave kisses for your close family.
    Best wishes

    • December 13, 2017 at 3:02 pm

      Sorry I’ve taken so long to reply. But first, thanks for the comment. Yes, workplace bullying is ghastly, isn’t it! And bring back the hand shake – please!!!

  • December 3, 2017 at 3:25 am

    thought provoking article, Penny. I finally did the #metoo on facebook but didn’t say whom or what. Suffice to say I have worn long trousers ever since & keep my body covered.

    The Old Boy syndrome – the Code of Silence condoning this sort of bad behaviour. It’s not okay. It never was nor will be.

    Air kissing – some cultures do a quick kiss on the cheek. I have learnt that amongst family & friends, this is nice. Not so sure about other situations though if it’s not in 1 of these 3 categories.

    • December 13, 2017 at 3:03 pm

      Air kissing is fine amongst friends and family,I think, but I really do prefer to give and receive a hug!!!

  • December 13, 2017 at 12:05 pm

    Penny, beat the ‘kissing not wanteds’ by taking the initiative, as is a lady’s right, and hold out your hand first, with a pleasant “How do you do?” That puts them on the back foot. If they get smart and think the outstretched hand is their chance to pull you in, be ready with a cool, but still pleasant, “No, I don’t think, so than you, I don’t know you well enough!” Hopefully, that will bring an appreciative chuckle from others in the group and it lets the fella down politely enough. If you’re tall, as am I, a straight look into the eyes reinforces that you mean what you say, but are being nice about it.
    It does work, so be brave next time and honestly, it takes far less time to action than it’s taken me to write this!
    And this from a non-feminist, more feminine person, if you’ll forgive me. But be sure that there are issues I will fight for/over so I’m not a total loss to the cause!

    • December 13, 2017 at 3:05 pm

      Yup – you’re so right, but that social kiss came to me unexpectedly. I might see him again in a few months time (not in my social circle but there are occasions…) and if that happens my hand will definitely be offered pretty smartly!!!!


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